It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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