I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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