There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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