I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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