well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How external is "for external use only"?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
