I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Panties = found
Randomize
