Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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