she looked like the bat from fern gully.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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