can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
