recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
