I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
