the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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