idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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