Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I believe in your delicious
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
