You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
