I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
