I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I could have mohawked her pubes.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
