why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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