I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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