I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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