Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
