Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
