First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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