Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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