don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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