If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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