New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
