Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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