the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
