I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
