I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
