you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
