My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
