my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
