the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
