If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
