it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
