i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
