I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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