the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
