So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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