We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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