WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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