i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
