just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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