He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
