im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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