my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
