Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
