And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
